The Ninth Cave Cup

“Alright, Everyone! That’s it for today – Just make sure you read your three chapters of The Five People You Meet in Heaven by Mitch Albom for tomorrow!” The freshman Reading Seminar class packed up their things and rushed out the door. Only two young and distinguished gentlemen took their time gathering their belongings. They sat next to each other and had met just a few days prior for the very first time. Calm demeanors, incredible initials, stoic mentalities, and men of the people through and through - both knew somewhere deep in the stratosphere of Cup Lore, there would come a day, over a decade later, that the great forces that embodied the initials ‘N.F.’ would collide in epic fashion.

 

The war between Red Squad’s Nick Foglton and Black Squad’s Nick Fox would be waged starting from the shores of Duluth, MN, then ending in fairytale fashion all the way up in the wonderful bustling town of Lutsen (AKA Lusten), MN*. Some call it the ‘Calm before the storm,’ but I call it ‘Poetry in Motion.’ Although Red was missing their beloved Jojo Houli, they would fight in his honor and stead with full force and merciless conviction.

 

*It is worth noting that Lutsen is actually NOT bustling, and it is quite small in nature.

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Teeing off Thursday evening, of course, with a 10/10 full debauchery scene at a steakhouse (where everyone knew to ride Shen’s first TD score bet as well as the anytime score, Pauly Marcons knowing and finishing every word to the scripture listened to that day – all the way to the Tequila Chair Throne) which, not surprisingly, was a battle itself between the Boys. It offered a glimmer of foreshadowing with Red being voted the winners by the bartenders, who were having the best night of their lives witnessing 18+ deranged animals that had been released from mainly Midwestern zoos prior that morning. The evening ended with All-World efforts from the crew at a late-night sports bar down the street from the hotel. Notables include but are not limited to: Tiger and Bing’s performance at darts, a missing piece of Koso’s glasses, copious rounds of shots at the bar and pool tables alike, and a full Red Squad to boost morale and vibes. As it is said by many, “We may have gotten out of hand too early, again, but we did stay in a Holiday Inn Express last night.”

 

Friday morning started off with a truly unnecessary two-hour drive from Duluth to Lutsen on a two lane highway along Lake Superior behind logging trucks up to the great unknown. Captain Fogie and his first-born son, Brandon Bekkering, stopped for reprieve at a local Culvers between the checkpoints and were startled to see that child labor laws don’t apply in Northern Minnesota. The combined age of employees that took payment and served excessive cheese curds likely did not meet the criteria for the legal employment age combined.

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As the troops gathered on the battlefield of Superior National in Lutsen, MN, and as the failing bank systems prevailed again, a local Jerry appeared to save the day and payment issues were rectified; the 2023 Cave Cup was underway.

 

The views were breathtaking, the libations flowing, and the food inventories and staff tempers running dangerously low and high respectively. After depleting all of the burgers, dogs, fries, and onion rings that Superior National had for the next month, the crew reassembled back in their shanties to regroup and partake in the first full evening of Cup Nightlife Bliss. Pairings were announced, disrespect was felt and dispersed, and Saturday morning pairings were secured. Some notables from the peanut gallery included Tiger asking Captain Fogie, “Are you supposed to be an elf? You look like a department store elf but much fatter.” And someone commenting on Krull’s Sunday record which seems to be nearly flawless, if you look at the stats.

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Saturday morning the course was buzzing. Both squads loaded their carts with smokes, chew, zynchini’s, scrounged up bits of breakfast, beer, extracurriculars, beer, and more beer. To lead the charge was Captain Fogie/Lord Corey of House Bing to play S.Trues AKA the Boy from Bangladesh/Jerry “Curls” Lombardo. The Black squad was setting the tone early with an absolute beatdown when a little stroke of luck and magic sparked the Red Squad. A missed green by all 4 led to a Red bogey and a Black double on 15, so Red cut the 3 down with 4 to play to 2 with 3. Then, a saucy 25-footer from Bing on 16 was jarred for birdie to get the lead to down 1 with 2 to play. A pair of pars on 17 forced dormie. Nukes were pumped off 18 and black hit 18 in 2. A couple of chunked wedges from Red was all but a sealed deal and a sure black victory - except Captain Fogie was explaining to Bing that a 3 putt and a holed Texas Wedge gets the match All Square and a point halved. With absolute certainty, the Texas Wedge was struck on a downhill slider from 20 feet and canned by Fogie for a par while the inevitable 3-putt bogey dropped black back to All Square and the point was halved. This match would set the tone for matches to come the entire weekend. The slugfest had begun, and there was no turning back.

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Red’s Bekkering/Mr. Nashy combo closed out Lukeus Aurelius/Koso Bouldershoulder in what could have arguably been an even greater comeback than the round preceding them, with Bekkering/Nashy overcoming a 4-point deficit to win 1 up for Red on 18. Black fired back quickly with Captain Foxy Cleopatra/ Gino overtaking Lord Shenly of House Hennessy/Paul ‘Trufani’ Marcons 4&3. The haymakers continued incessantly. Chicken Pendies/ Rory overtaking the Local Jerry/Tiger in the “Summer hits of the Covid” matchup (Aired on ESPN the Ocho) at Red 4&2. AHall (A Dangerous Night’s Crew Founder)/The “Dr.” Kevin Kojs falling to P.Hall The Elder/Newly donned “Joseph A. Bones” AKA Joey Toes: Black 5&3. To round out the morning bout, it is known this matchup was last, but certainly not least – Red’s Maxwell Malecki/Jeffrey Ebenezer Jizzwater II put on a breathtaking display of excellence against Marcus J. Krull AKA The Mountain/M. Spesia the Elder. Malecki would need a fire extinguisher after the round to put himself out; for he was on a fire comparable to the intensity of a thousand suns. Holing a field shot from roughly 140 yds on the 5th for eagle to chipping in on 15 for birdie, Red had the power of Pelor on their side, and rode off into afternoon battle with Red beating a formidable pairing. Red 2&1.

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With Red up 3.5 to Black’s 2.5, the afternoon pairings were deliberated thoroughly during lunch. Fogie had a plan for mixing things up and Captain Fox was not going to let his mind games outplay the Wise Old Boy that is Foxy. So, it was settled that the pairings should remain “As-is,” and the afternoon began to take shape; with Black not looking to be outdone.

 

Bing / Nash fell early to lead it off to a stout Captain Fox and Local Jerry 1up Black. Black then fired with a second win of Seanny T. / Koso over Bekkering / Kojs – Black 2&1. The slugfest ensued with a back and forth bout the rest of the way through: Shen/A.Hall triumphing over Lombardo/Gino: Red 4&2, P.Hall/Tiger over Captain Fogie/Marcons: Black 4&2. P.Hall found some inner magic that afternoon and went on to not only carry Tiger the entire round, but also bring him to the clubhouse, bar, and finally his car. A great showing of excellence by Pat, and Tiger did have some magical moments that blissful afternoon. Pens/Jeffie took down Mark/Luke with back and forth banter: Red 3&2, and, lastly, the Matty Trues/Max vs. the Brothers Spesia matchup was witnessed by all as the sun began to set and rumors buzzed that Black Squad would be taking the Cup next morning. With what could be argued as the fiercest side of Joey Toes AKA Joseph A. Bones, the world saw him dialed in and a tempo that would empty your glass in one gulp. He and his brother were trying to strike fear into the hearts of Red, but as the rest of the Crew looked on during 17’s tee shots, Rory had other plans. With a striped wedge from Toes, the weight of the world and possibly the entire realm weighed on Matthew “Rory” Solas Ra Truesy Truesdale’s shoulders. A swish, a club twirl, and a dart landing 16 feet pin high would be the answer. The duos would go on to 18, and alas, Black would win the final bout of the day: Black 1up.

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Rain began to scatter the northern shores of Lake Superior, and hunger set in. Although logistics is a strength of the captains, this time it could have used a consultant to improve efficiencies. After chicken wings, entrees, 99 bottles of wine and beer on the wall, the crew was more loaded with piss and vinegar than ever seen before. Travel arrangements were made, and Captain Fox and Captain Fogie began negotiations. After much deliberation and additional libation consumption, singles pairings were announced, a fire down at the lake was made, rumors of people being bullied circulated, and evening capped off around 4:30am.

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Sunday afternoon singles had an afternoon tee time of 12:00pm, and first off the tee would be Bekkering/Captain Fogie against some heated rivalries of S.Truesy/L.Andrade. S.Trues took an early lead on Bekkering, and Fogie took one on Luke with a near hole-in-one on the second hole. Roles would flip-flop, however, as Bekkering defeated S.Trues 2&1 by sinking the same 30 ft putt on 17 that Captain Fogie had missed the day prior. Andrade would go on to defeat Fogie 4&3 with a now commonplace shellacking on the back nine of a Sunday. A duel to the death was followed by Jeffie/Shen against Krull/Tiger, respectively. Krull would go on to defeat Jeffie 1up on 18 and Shen would battle back against Tiger to halve the much needed half point. The dynamic duo of Max/Nashy would trump P.Hall/Bones with both winning 5&4 in all the glory that is Red. Black Squad would make a move with Captain Fox/Koso defeating Rory/Kojs 6&5 and 5&4 with steady play. A.Hall would put Gino in his place with a 2&1 routing, and Penders would spank Lombardo as if he was a misbehaving newborn 7&5. Bing would close out the local Jerry on 16 up 3&2 with all eyes watching. Which led us to one of the most confusing times in Cup history.

 

The scores were so close that it was thought regardless of the outcome of the last match playing that Black would seal the deal. This quickly turned into a recount and the ballots cast would reveal that Red would have the upper hand. Little did everyone know this final match between Marconi/M.Spesia would be the deciding factor between a Red Squad retention or the first ever Red Repeat. Operation Marconi was in full effect, and with being up 3 with 3 to play, had Mikey dormie. Upon the finishing of the 18th, it was concluded that the half point would seal the deal, and Red would be first time back-to-back Cup victors with a final score of 12.5 to 11.5.

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Fireball was played on the first tee, celebrations ensued, and a pizza party was thrown. Kojs was MVP with securing the pies, and monsters were unleashed into the Lutsen nightlife with Vampires, Jesters, scribes in old “guestbook” tomes, and a slew of pictures and stories unfolding into the wee hours of the morn.

 

It is said that on Monday’s ride home, there are still rumors of a man that cleans his chicken wings down to the bone, and can hammer down double fish filets and regurgitate them with such precision, that the cigarette being smoked wouldn’t even leave his mouth in the process. Overall, it was as close of a Cup as it could be, and the tale of the Red Riders lives on.